s i l l y g o d d i s c o

Blog of a monstrous girl.

You humiliated me for the last time.

It’s been basically 2 weeks since Valentine’s Day. As my previous post was, despite hating the holiday, happy this post will be the total opposite. So bear with this over emotional garbage. I just need somewhere to rant that won’t judge me.

So, yes – this is the LAST time I’m going to allow my current ex to humiliate me. What you guys don’t know is this, this time around was the 5TH time we tried to make this relationship work. Well, more so me. I was always the one wanting to be with him. It was never him, he gladly kept giving me up as if he didn’t care. He would leave me confused, and aching and then longing for him — like he was some kind of drug. He was a drug, and not a very good one at that. At the start of our relationship things were great. He called me baby, he hugged and kissed on me because he wanted to. He would send me text letting me know that he was thinking of me, so I wasn’t alone in the thought. But then, SHE, came back when things were starting to get good. She, being his ex, and she stepped in and he dropped me for something he thought he could rekindle with her. I should’ve moved on then. But I couldn’t, I was bleeding (figuratively speaking) and I didn’t know how to stop it. Till he came back to me because he couldn’t have her. I should’ve shut the door to my heart on him, but I just couldn’t and I don’t know why. After coming back to me, he started treating me like shit. Like there was nothing more he wanted from  me. But here I was putting a effort into everything. I literally did EVERYTHING. Everything I possibly could but YANK OUT MY FUCKING HEART AND PRESENT IT TO HIM. Why didn’t he love me like I wanted him to? I felt like Beyonce in her song, Why Don’t You Love Me? I would tear out my hair trying to figure out what it was. I started becoming less of myself to try to please him so he would love him. I WANTED THIS MAN TO LOVE ME.  I want him to love him. I couldn’t understand why, but I did. So bad. Maybe it was because I was so tired of giving out my heart only to be left high and dry. I just wanted that mutual love feeling.

Why couldn’t I have it? Even after the 3rd.. and 4th time he left me. I couldn’t just see he didn’t want me. I loved him so. HELL, I still do! I’m shaking right now as I write this as a flood of memories come back. I slept terrible last night. I tossed and turned wanting to be held in his arms. I woke up every hour til I was completely up at 4AM not being able to sleep. I shook and silently sobbed and felt like a complete failure in love. The reason for my sleepless night? We just broke up. The reasoning?

I was watching Aladdin, and it was the part where Aladdin asked Jasmin, “Do you trust me?” Feel cute, I decided to text it to him. Instead of the yes, I was expecting I got a “Sometimes”. A flustering “Sometimes”, my cheeks went hot and my heart thudded.  I asked a question I always asked whenever he was unsure or never quite all the way with me, “Why are you with me?” I wonder. Why do you remain with me? To have someone to have sex with so you can do, just because. What? What is your reasoning? But instead I got,  “Because you want to be with me.”

 

“Because you want to be with me.” So there’s absolutely no effort on your part? My heart felt like I got stabbed. I tried to swallow and I couldn’t. I never felt more embarrassed in my life. That’s like saying, “Oh, I’m going to this family picnic because my mom/dad wants me to but I really don’t want to be there and I’ll act like it.” That’s the same exact thing basically. I bit back crying as I broke it off in a text and literally threw my phone across the room. I hurt so bad. Was that all you saw it as? God, thinking about it now hurts really bad again. And I’m fighting crying again. I’m a mess. Really.

I.. don’t even know how to end this post. So I’m just going to end it now. Maybe I’ll be better tomorrow maybe not. I just..

4 Comments on You humiliated me for the last time.

  1. Yuri
    February 28, 2012 at 5:38 am (1996 days ago)

    I’m so sorry :[ That sounds horrible, and unfortunately guys like to take advantage of our feelings for them. They kick us aside and then call us back when they want. Such douches. I think it’s ridiculous that your ex said “because you want to be with me” seriously wtf?? It’s like go find someone else. Dei, you deserve someone who WANTS to be with you too! And I’m plenty sure that you can find someone who cares about you as much as you care about them. Again, I’m sorry you had to deal with that. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Loves makes us do stupid things. (I would know from experience as well) Just learn from this, and move on.

  2. Yuri
    February 28, 2012 at 5:38 am (1996 days ago)

    Btw, hope you feel better soon<3

  3. tiff
    February 29, 2012 at 7:08 pm (1995 days ago)

    I’m really sorry to hear about your breakup, but it’s also a HUGE relief to hear that you’ll never let your ex treat you like shit again because he sounds like a REAL lame excuse for a boyfriend.

    I know it’s tough because you had strong feelings for him, but tears shouldn’t wasted on this jerk. He doesn’t respect you at all and it sounds like he was only with you for the sake of having a girlfriend. He’s handling relationships as if he’s still in high school. Pathetic.

    I highly recommend to cut off ALL contacts with this douche because I have a pretty good feeling he’s going to try to come back to you when he’s got no one else. Don’t let him get what he wants because you deserve SO MUCH better than that. *hugs*

  4. Kelsey
    March 9, 2012 at 4:15 pm (1986 days ago)

    My best friend went through something similar except she liked a guy that was via online. It was crap, really Basically, he was really nice to her at first (as most guys tend to be) but then he would pretty much ignore her; he had the habit of talking to her whenever he wanted – when it was convenient for him. For whatever reason, she grew attached to him and almost couldn’t live without him. She texted him all the time but he only gave her one word responses every time. I personally could not talk to anyone like that but eh…

    Anyways, whenever she needed him such as her brother committing suicide, he wasn’t there for her. He “had other things to do” but when his brother was battling through cancer, he expected her to bow at his feet making him feel better. Like what the hell…? He also got really mad whenever they played Xbox Live when she started talking to other guys. Keep in mind, this is an online thing; they’ve never actually met. I would say she was obsessed with him… she even cried when he got back with his ex.

    She blocked him a few times but he would always find someway to contact her; he would say stuff like, “I’m sorry I did this blah blah blah – can you forgive me?” and she always did – every time. What’s with nice girls that go back to abusive guys so easily? I really don’t understand the psychological development behind that.

    I’ve dated my fair share of douches too… I once had a guy that told me, “This isn’t working out.” “Why?” “Well, I think you’re cool and everything but I’m not attracted to you at all.” and I was like… what? Did he expect me to be a super model? It’s not like he was Johnny Depp himself. Of course you also get the guys that just randomly stop calling and ignore you every time you see them in person. I’m not the kind of girl that begs anyone for forgiveness so they expect that from me, they’re sorely mistaken.

    I briefly went through your bio and I find us similar in many ways! We watch cartoons and the decent shows, listen to decent music, play video games, know about computers and development and are kind of going to the school for the same thing (I’m majoring in computer science though), and I consider you very beautiful! I always grew up thinking I was the “cool girl” every guy wanted; I was always surrounded by guys that said, “I wish I had a girl that would play Call of Duty with me,” then when they get said girl, they seem to dump her for a bimbo Facebook whore. Like dafuq, bro?

    I’m sure you’ll find somebody that will accept you for who you are; to the your ex now, I’m sure soon, he’ll consider you the one that got away. :)

    Sorry for the long comment, by the way!