s i l l y g o d d i s c o

Blog of a monstrous girl.

You humiliated me for the last time.

It’s been basically 2 weeks since Valentine’s Day. As my previous post was, despite hating the holiday, happy this post will be the total opposite. So bear with this over emotional garbage. I just need somewhere to rant that won’t judge me.

So, yes – this is the LAST time I’m going to allow my current ex to humiliate me. What you guys don’t know is this, this time around was the 5TH time we tried to make this relationship work. Well, more so me. I was always the one wanting to be with him. It was never him, he gladly kept giving me up as if he didn’t care. He would leave me confused, and aching and then longing for him — like he was some kind of drug. He was a drug, and not a very good one at that. At the start of our relationship things were great. He called me baby, he hugged and kissed on me because he wanted to. He would send me text letting me know that he was thinking of me, so I wasn’t alone in the thought. But then, SHE, came back when things were starting to get good. She, being his ex, and she stepped in and he dropped me for something he thought he could rekindle with her. I should’ve moved on then. But I couldn’t, I was bleeding (figuratively speaking) and I didn’t know how to stop it. Till he came back to me because he couldn’t have her. I should’ve shut the door to my heart on him, but I just couldn’t and I don’t know why. After coming back to me, he started treating me like shit. Like there was nothing more he wanted from  me. But here I was putting a effort into everything. I literally did EVERYTHING. Everything I possibly could but YANK OUT MY FUCKING HEART AND PRESENT IT TO HIM. Why didn’t he love me like I wanted him to? I felt like Beyonce in her song, Why Don’t You Love Me? I would tear out my hair trying to figure out what it was. I started becoming less of myself to try to please him so he would love him. I WANTED THIS MAN TO LOVE ME.  I want him to love him. I couldn’t understand why, but I did. So bad. Maybe it was because I was so tired of giving out my heart only to be left high and dry. I just wanted that mutual love feeling.

Why couldn’t I have it? Even after the 3rd.. and 4th time he left me. I couldn’t just see he didn’t want me. I loved him so. HELL, I still do! I’m shaking right now as I write this as a flood of memories come back. I slept terrible last night. I tossed and turned wanting to be held in his arms. I woke up every hour til I was completely up at 4AM not being able to sleep. I shook and silently sobbed and felt like a complete failure in love. The reason for my sleepless night? We just broke up. The reasoning?

I was watching Aladdin, and it was the part where Aladdin asked Jasmin, “Do you trust me?” Feel cute, I decided to text it to him. Instead of the yes, I was expecting I got a “Sometimes”. A flustering “Sometimes”, my cheeks went hot and my heart thudded.  I asked a question I always asked whenever he was unsure or never quite all the way with me, “Why are you with me?” I wonder. Why do you remain with me? To have someone to have sex with so you can do, just because. What? What is your reasoning? But instead I got,  “Because you want to be with me.”

 

“Because you want to be with me.” So there’s absolutely no effort on your part? My heart felt like I got stabbed. I tried to swallow and I couldn’t. I never felt more embarrassed in my life. That’s like saying, “Oh, I’m going to this family picnic because my mom/dad wants me to but I really don’t want to be there and I’ll act like it.” That’s the same exact thing basically. I bit back crying as I broke it off in a text and literally threw my phone across the room. I hurt so bad. Was that all you saw it as? God, thinking about it now hurts really bad again. And I’m fighting crying again. I’m a mess. Really.

I.. don’t even know how to end this post. So I’m just going to end it now. Maybe I’ll be better tomorrow maybe not. I just..